Saturday, October 31, 2009

Need for Speed: driving lessons 101

We all remember our first time riding a bike, our first time walking in on our parents naked! and our first time driving. I remember sitting in my dad’s lap steering the car while he controlled the pedals, or bumper cars at some theme park.
Well let me tell you about the night I took my sister and cousin driving. I will highlight that Susu & Bruski are superb drivers.
(Oh yea I forgot to mention that Susu and Bruski had to dress up like guys, disguising themselves with hoodies and caps.)

As I took the passenger seat and my role as a sidekick, my sister Susu sat in the driver’s seat adjusting it. Susu “I am an excellent driver” “I always drive the cadi with my friends” (cadi is short for Cadillac) Me “ok then start the car and let’s take a spin around the neighborhood” she successfully starts the engine and takes the pedal to the metal. The car roars like a constipated lion. ”WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?” I shrieked,  “You’re in N!” Susu “Ok, so how do I switch gears?” Me” press the breaks and pull the gear-stick to R” Susu ”Stop panicking!”

As we reverse slowly and gently out of the garage, I address her to turn right, while paying attention to the rear and side mirrors. We are ½ way through the driveway when I notice our dad’s car on our right. I immediately yell out “HIT THE BREAKS!” Susu “what?” Me “Hit the breaks woman! Just hit them” Susu struggles and before we know it SLAM! Into our dad’s brand new car. The bumper had evidence (stains of shameless vandalism and infidelity). We drive off despite a rough start.  As Susu drives down the street, she turns left. So far so good. I constantly remind her to stay on the right side of the road, and keep telling her to check if a car is coming before entering a new street. We reach a local park in my neighborhood and see a family crossing the road! Me ”Susu there are people crossing the road” faster she goes “I can see them don’t worry” we get even closer, me “Susu that’s a family with a baby! Brakes damn it! Brakes!” Last minute she stomps on the breaks so hard that I ricochet from the dashboard to the car door and back into my seat. I look at her and yell “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?”  Susu “In my defense I am wearing high heels, I usually drive the cadi in converse” what an excuse! She must be in denial cause in reality she sucks!
I get a call from lil Moe telling me that him and Bruski are at my place. On the way back I could have sworn a spirit of a dead drunk had possessed her body; she was literally not driving in a straight line. Me “Why are you driving like a maniac! Cant you stay in one lane!?” Susu ”No comment” and she blasts the music.

We reach home, and see both my cousins sitting over lil Moe’s car.  We decide to switch. Bruski drives with me while Susu drives with Lil Moe. Susu is unaware that Lil Moe has a manual car. So once she entered she asked surprised “Why are there 3 pedals?” Lil Moe gave me a death stare of desperation then turned to her with a get-out-now hand motion stuttering “out out out!”. In the end she took control of the car.

Susu is a little taller than Bruski, well actually a lot taller. So Bruski tries to adjust the seat closer to the steering wheel, but does not know how. So she asks for my help. I push the button and the seat starts moving forward. I ask her “good enough for you?” Bruski “a little closer” I hold on to the button with an evil smirk! Bruski “enough thanks” I am still holding the button Bruski “Moe close enough!” she is centimeters away from the steering wheel & yells “MOE you’re squashing me!” Me “haha my goal exactly” but the honk didn’t go off as I thought it would. We take off, despite Susu and Lil Moe having a head start. We decide to stalk them. We dim the headlights and slowly follow them.

Me “this is code 162 and we are in pursuit of our primary suspect” Bruski “agent B here, lets go get some doughnuts” Me “11 o clock turn left” Bruski “roger that”
We find a guy with a corn trolley (similar to a hotdog stand) I didn’t realize what it is so I yelled to Bruski forgetting that my window’s open “oh look! It’s a trashcan with smoke coming out of it!” the look on his face, expressionless.  Without either of us paying attention, they notice us get the drift and dash. Now we are on a real chase! We wouldn’t be able to catch them on time so we decide to take a shortcut and ambush them from the front. Me “hurry!” Bruski “ don’t rush me!” Me “come on we will lose them!” Bruski “stop yelling!” me “WOMAN STEP ON IT!”, she turned at such a high speed when I yelled that I was thrust onto her lap and my arm hit the indicator, the high lights, and the wind shield wipers all at the same time! Bruski, in a shocked state, stomps on the breaks coincidentally right in front of Susu and Lil Moe, they were shocked so they hit their high lights to see what the hell was going on, as they looked into our car they saw me lifting my head out of Bruski’s lap and her expression was priceless I can only imagine what went through there heads at that moment, but I really didn’t want to.

After that mix up we decide to race home…to be continued cause there is this other whole major part that happens later on that evening but I am too lazy to write some more. 

Drunk Scale

The state of being drunk is hard to indicate precisely because one person’s capacity of withholding liquor differs from one to the next. So here is a drunk chart that my cousin and I devised: (inspired by Tucker Max)

1.     Tipsy:
Usually a glass and 1/2 of vodka does the trick. At this stage I feel numb, have less responsibilities, the world seems a bit more familiar, the magnetic gravity field starts to disappear around me. I want to try everything.

2.     Happy Buzz:
I start acting more on impulses (doing things I wouldn’t usually do). I become a bit over excited and unreasonably happy about things, start smiling to everyone ridiculously as if I were in a toothpaste ad.
The tricky bit is you only get the happy buzz when you’re either down or at a normal stage, if your happy to begin with you probably wont get to this stage. From experience everything around me all of a sudden becomes beautiful not to the point where I would hook up with ugly women just to the point where my smile is bigger than the joker’s.

3.     Denial Drunk:
I start acting like an idiot, laughing for no apparent reason and when friends around start pointing out that I am drunk I deny it. Not such a great stage but everyone goes through it, you drink to the point where you start loosing your balance and embarrassing yourself insisting you are not drunk.

4.     Point of No Return:
At this point, there is no going back, I cant just put my foot down and say I am not drinking anymore, I am open to all suggestions and down for anything, in my case I fought off a couple bouncers that I was convinced were tickling me and dove down a flight of stairs, flashing people who don’t deserve it.

5.     Wasted AKA shit faced “hammered”
Now if you keep drinking, you’ll get wasted, at this stage I start slurring, I cant see 100% I trip and fall a lot more often, and I’ll say or do pretty much anything that comes to my head, defiantly not a good state to be in for me and people around me. I become the entertainment of the night. Now at stage five I am easily convinced of anything, so I may as easily find myself at this stage, which means, I’ve gone on my own trip. The trip may vary from sitting in a corner and watching everyone, to making up dances and floating around a room.

6.     Black out:
I wake up somewhere unfamiliar and can’t remember shit of the night before. Videos and photos streaming from everyone’s phones, trying to delete them before anyone notices.  I become the popular topic of the day of doing public stunts of idiocracy.

7.     Intoxicated:
Personally I never reached this stage, but almost did once.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Hello my fellow readers, damn its been almost a week without internet, I mean TV I can handle but internet NIKKA THE HELLZ NA!

Lots to tell you!

Just got back from my vacation. I am seriously sunburned cause friends and I played volleyball and swam for 6 hours with no sun block!
Also I have a Hitler moustache now cause I lost a bet with my cousin :s

My next entries  will feature a drunk scale that my cousin and I devised, as well as a reflection on driving lessons.

So stay tuned!