Everyone Has That Friend

In every group of friends, we either have a few or all of the following people whom I have categorized below. I will be emphasizing more on some, and unfortunately my social circle has them all!

The Pansy Boy:

The best way to describe him is by this quote “gay in everyway except for sexual orientation!” – Family Guy.  I can’t remember who let him in to our group but we should’ve seen the signs. The first time he tagged along to our house, he got lost in the neighborhood, and when he tried to ring the buzzer, it was out of order. Clearly the warning signs couldn’t have been more obvious than Michael Jackson between freaks.

The weeks passed by, and unfortunately we tolerated him then got accustomed to the fact that we’re hopeless and he will always be with us. You can’t imagine how much of a Tutti Frutti this guy is! He is so full of himself and always talking about his looks as well as showing us before and after photos of…dare I say it? Yes himself!

Once we were all sharing dating stories when all of a sudden he interrupted adding “yeah, a few weeks ago I was getting it on with this virgin, but when she saw me, she told me because I was so hot, she wanted to have my babies right then and there! “ Awkward silence followed because none of us knew how to react to that randomness.

The douche:

He’s such a dumbass, I don’t know where to start with his stupidity.  I bet if I yelled fascist to his face, he would be like yea that’s me I’m fancy! Though I must admit, watching him approach the ladies is pure entertainment.  He would walk up to a cute girl, lick his lips and point at other girls telling her “mmm the place is full of chikittas tonight!” NO COMMENT. Whenever someone has an experience to share, coincidentally he’s been through more extreme versions of our experiences. I am really anticipating the day a girl shares a female related incident, and we all get to see how he relates.

The Fake Girl:

You know how when babies are born doctors spank them to have them gasp for air. Well I’m sure when she was born she faked a laugh for air! Though I must give her credit she was about to keep it real once. I bumped into her at a bar and you could actually see her face twitch as she struggled within herself as to whether fake it or not. Then she couldn’t resist and stroke back with the weirdest nutcracker smile and an overly expressed “so happy to see you!”

The Pothead:

Whether he does pot or not doesn’t matter; end result is the same. Talk to him for an hour and it’s as if you were talking to your own foot. However, your foot doesn’t give you that frustrating blank stared “…what…?” every time you ask for an opinion. We did a mistake once of letting him pick up take out. We ordered Domino’s Pizza, and a after an hour of waiting, he actually brought back literal dominos from Toys ‘R’ Us!

Another time, I had him take my iPod to an Apple Store to fix it. Later that night I found out he gave it to some random waiter at Applebee’s!! Damn junkies!

The Weirdo.

I believe this guy inspired Lady Gaga. Each time we’d see him he would have a new accent.  Whenever we have metal or rock music playing in the background he would start twitching. He would stay quiet the whole time and only start talking while the movie was playing. 

Once in class, he came to flirt with my cousin asking her “did you fart!!?” my cousin responded “what the!!?...NO” but he insisted “oh come on just say yes…ok!....say yes” to get rid of him she replied “yes” which he immediately reacted to “I knew it! Cause you blew me away!”

This other time at band camp, no seriously but this other time during a gathering we were saying yomama jokes. He got all excited with powder in his hand yelling at the top of his lungs yomama’s so old she breast feeds like this; when he came to blow the powder out, he had his palm on his mouth, instead of shaping his hand like a cylinder. So inevitably, he blinded himself with powder bursting all over his face, it was like watching napoleon dynamite live!

The stinky one:

 He screeches like a cat yet he has a phobia of them. I’m pretty sure while the rest of us evolved from apes he evolved from an onion. I think he was sent to us as a punishment from God.  I swear when he enters a room it’s as if he enters just to leave a legacy behind; to plague the area with his scent then take off.  I bet we’d go blind if we looked directly at his armpits! He is immune to deodorants and showers! He must be capable of disproving detergents and disinfectants.

We once had to work on a project together; we were too close for safety measures. I was literally tearing. You really have to experience it for yourself. I don’t know if I’m becoming delusional but you can hear the word EVIL each time he lifts his armpits.

I can see him having face offs with skunks!

The Spoiled One.

This guy is so spoiled that dogs owned by Brit bourgeoisies and Miami cougars have nothing on him! Usually when we are out clubbing, we all have drinks at a pub or someone’s house before hand to avoid the pricy tab at the clubs. Also for tables we’d usually pitch in but for him money grows on trees.

Once we were all joking around checking out new summer destinations. I was like I’d have to rent a fishing boat the next time we hit St.Tropez to compete with Diddy’s yacht parties. Then out of nowhere, he goes yea I remember I reserved all of nikki beach for 20’000 Euros, pennies if you ask me. I swear my brother was going to kill him right then and there.

The damn problem is that if he actually earned all this money, then fine he would really have the bloody right to splurge, show off, and brag, but he is living off his parents!!

Miss knows It All.

Whether it is her field or not, she has the answer to everything. She’s so stubborn it’s ridiculous. Once she claimed herself to be the ultimate chef because she bought a pack of Betty Crocker and added extra sugar. She really considered opening her own bakery as if she was the one who invented flour.

Once we were all hanging out in our basement and she was like we will be having a storm tonight. So I told her that the weather forecasts and news channels didn’t mention anything. She snapped by saying “I read a lot.” Then my brother blurted out “let me guess! Ibullshit.com!!” That was a golden memory right there.